Are You The Family Publicist?

Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott - image from http://lesandleslieparrott.com

Earlier this week I ran across an article by Les and Leslie Parrott called, Become Your Spouse’s Publicist. As I read the article, I couldn’t help bust shake my head in agreement with a mix of guilt as I knew, deep down, that I had not been that for my wife.

There were several things I noted as I read the article that I thought not only applied to the husband – wife relationship, but also to the entire family dynamic. In reality a lot it actually applies to all of our relationships, but for this, I want to really focus on the family.

The first concept they spoke about was “Second-Hand Compliments.”

In their words, “Knowing that your spouse is saying good things about you when you’re not around is almost as important as hearing these good things directly. In fact, in some ways, it’s even more meaningful because these words of admiration are given without any assurance that you will ever hear them… Few things boost a person’s self-esteem more than hearing that his spouse has been showing him in a positive light to others.”

How true this is! The times I have had something said to me in response to something good that has been said about me via someone else, has been quite the pick-me-up. It’s always nice to know when something nice has been said about you. I think the reason it feels so good is because you know it was said genuinely since you were not around to influence the comment. With all of this in mind, we know that it would encourage your spouse to know that you were speaking positive words, bragging on them, when they weren’t around. However, let’s not forget our kids.

I think it is important that our families, our homes, are life-giving environments. They should be places where we lift each other up genuinely. While this should start actually in the home with each other, it only increases in value and power if we do this outside the home too. I think it reassures our spouses and children to know that those words of affirmation that we share with them at home are real and not just talk that we do at home.

Another thing Les and Leslie said was that, “If you publicly praise your spouse, you will inevitably look more favorably upon him or her and discover a deeper appreciation for your partner than you had before.”

In families, every day, not even every week is easy and fun. Relationships with our spouses and children take work to make them work. Sometimes the work is hard. Like anything that’s hard to do, having motivation to get at it helps us persevere and work towards a better end. The better end in this work is better relationships with our families. Knowing that this practice helps us to look more favorably upon our spouses and our children gives motivation. When the love I have for them is intensified, my motivation to work on our family increases. Speaking for myself, I want my family to get better and not just to an “end” but as an ongoing journey that never ceases.

They ended the article with several action steps to get started being our spouses publicist. Like I said earlier, I think this can apply to our entire family. With this in mind, the action steps (adapted) would be.

1. “Give positive press in the next 24 hours.” In the next 24 hours, I need to be looking at my wife and kids for something I can brag on them about. It doesn’t have to be anything grand, just something that I appreciate. Next, I need to tell someone. I don’t need to tell her best friend in hopes they will tell my wife that I said something nice about her. I need to just tell someone. It doesn’t matter if it ever gets back to them or not. It’s the practice of edifying my family that I need to work on. On a side note, the press needs to start with my wife and not my kids. She is more vital relationships than theirs. It’s true. One of the best things I can give my kids is a good relationship with my wife.

2. “Be sure your PR is genuine.” When I do come up with something to brag on, it needs to be real. It’s not enough to run around telling the world that my wife is nice. The publicity needs to be specific. “My wife does an amazing job making sure the kids are eating healthy” is a lot more specific. If I could even be more specific that would be even better.

3. “Make known your partner’s accomplishments.” This can go hand in hand with the action step they mentioned second. Instead of saying my kids are all above average, be specific. Saying “I’m so proud of my son for earning his brown belt in karate” is more specific.

I think becoming a family publicist only strengthens the entire family as it deepens relationships. If the rest of your family finds out your practice, Great! It can become part of your family culture. If they never find out what you are doing, Great! (which I think is highly unlikely over time) Your family relationships will get better just because you are looking more favorably upon them. They are bound to notice this too over time as well.

Our families are worth the work. I think it’s time to take on another job as the family publicist.