Spirit of…

We have a special segment on our local NBC13 affiliate called Spirit of Alabama. This segment highlights different  people, events, places, etc… that celebrate what makes Alabama special. As I was watching one recently, I couldn’t help but wonder what the spirit of my family would be.

If they were to do a segment which highlighted who my family is, what would it show?

Would the segment show a happy joyful place?

a place where love abounds?

a supporting place?

a peaceful place?

a “real” place that is authentic?

a place where a mom and dad stood together to uphold their family values?

a place where children felt supported?

a place where my wife and children felt encouraged by me?

a place where our children felt safe?

would it have a spirit on graciousness, generosity, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and patience?

OR…. would be the opposite of any of those?

I would love to say that it would be part of the prior list, but it does beg the question on whether or not it really does. It sure does make me think and challenge me to change the Spirit of my Family.

 

Courageous

A couple of weeks ago my wife and I decided to go see the movie Courageous at the dollar theater. I’m not going to use this post as a theological discussion, a review of the movie, but rather as a reflection for me. I’ll admit, this movie was fairly in line with my belief system, and I think you should see it too. I don’t say this to say you should think like me, but rather to say that as a dad (and a husband) I was challenged to be better. Whether you belief system in God is the same as mine or those who created the movie or not, as a parent you will be challenged to be better.

I won’t go into the story line here because I don’t want to be the spoiler, but I will include a few clips below I have caught myself watching or listening to since then to keep myself reminded of the direction I need to be taking my family and the kind of husband and father I need to be too.

 

The Oscars and Forgetting Spouses

image from http://www.aceshowbiz.com

I was a little disturbed this week at a headline I saw about the upcoming Oscars Awards show coming up in about a week. Moviefone, which I believe is related to AOL and the Hufifngton Post, is taking a poll about who will forget their spouse in their speech.

Based on the (very loose) research I did, I could only find that this has only happened a few times. Mauro Fiore (pictured above) back in 2010, Hillary Swank in 2000, and  Philip Seymour Hoffman forgot to thank his girlfriend in 2006. I’m sure it has happened several more times between all the awards shows there are, but is it something to set up a poll about? Accidents happen, and I’m sure forgetting their spouse (fiance, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc…) wasn’t on purpose. I do think it would be a great opportunity to honor your spouse (or significant other) as I think we should be looking for those opportunities all the time.

Now, I do understand that I might possibly be overreacting about this, but I think it’s past time that we stop making marriages and relationships the brunt of a joke. Marriages are important. In my opinion, the stability of the family echoes the stability of a nation. I recently heard that one country is starting to offer marriage certificates that expire in 7 years. At the end of the 7 years, you can renew or not renew. A non-renewal is not viewed as a divorce!

So, what’s the point? Not sure. I wonder if this might be turning into more a rant than anything else. I just think we need to stop playing with the idea that someone might mess-up with the spouses. We need to be honoring marriages, supporting marriages, fighting for them, and praying for them. I think a strong marriage is more valuable than an Oscar anyway.

Let’s let the Oscar’s just be the Oscar’s and let marriage (relationships) be sacred.

 

Are You The Family Publicist?

Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott - image from http://lesandleslieparrott.com

Earlier this week I ran across an article by Les and Leslie Parrott called, Become Your Spouse’s Publicist. As I read the article, I couldn’t help bust shake my head in agreement with a mix of guilt as I knew, deep down, that I had not been that for my wife.

There were several things I noted as I read the article that I thought not only applied to the husband – wife relationship, but also to the entire family dynamic. In reality a lot it actually applies to all of our relationships, but for this, I want to really focus on the family.

The first concept they spoke about was “Second-Hand Compliments.”

In their words, “Knowing that your spouse is saying good things about you when you’re not around is almost as important as hearing these good things directly. In fact, in some ways, it’s even more meaningful because these words of admiration are given without any assurance that you will ever hear them… Few things boost a person’s self-esteem more than hearing that his spouse has been showing him in a positive light to others.”

How true this is! The times I have had something said to me in response to something good that has been said about me via someone else, has been quite the pick-me-up. It’s always nice to know when something nice has been said about you. I think the reason it feels so good is because you know it was said genuinely since you were not around to influence the comment. With all of this in mind, we know that it would encourage your spouse to know that you were speaking positive words, bragging on them, when they weren’t around. However, let’s not forget our kids.

I think it is important that our families, our homes, are life-giving environments. They should be places where we lift each other up genuinely. While this should start actually in the home with each other, it only increases in value and power if we do this outside the home too. I think it reassures our spouses and children to know that those words of affirmation that we share with them at home are real and not just talk that we do at home.

Another thing Les and Leslie said was that, “If you publicly praise your spouse, you will inevitably look more favorably upon him or her and discover a deeper appreciation for your partner than you had before.”

In families, every day, not even every week is easy and fun. Relationships with our spouses and children take work to make them work. Sometimes the work is hard. Like anything that’s hard to do, having motivation to get at it helps us persevere and work towards a better end. The better end in this work is better relationships with our families. Knowing that this practice helps us to look more favorably upon our spouses and our children gives motivation. When the love I have for them is intensified, my motivation to work on our family increases. Speaking for myself, I want my family to get better and not just to an “end” but as an ongoing journey that never ceases.

They ended the article with several action steps to get started being our spouses publicist. Like I said earlier, I think this can apply to our entire family. With this in mind, the action steps (adapted) would be.

1. “Give positive press in the next 24 hours.” In the next 24 hours, I need to be looking at my wife and kids for something I can brag on them about. It doesn’t have to be anything grand, just something that I appreciate. Next, I need to tell someone. I don’t need to tell her best friend in hopes they will tell my wife that I said something nice about her. I need to just tell someone. It doesn’t matter if it ever gets back to them or not. It’s the practice of edifying my family that I need to work on. On a side note, the press needs to start with my wife and not my kids. She is more vital relationships than theirs. It’s true. One of the best things I can give my kids is a good relationship with my wife.

2. “Be sure your PR is genuine.” When I do come up with something to brag on, it needs to be real. It’s not enough to run around telling the world that my wife is nice. The publicity needs to be specific. “My wife does an amazing job making sure the kids are eating healthy” is a lot more specific. If I could even be more specific that would be even better.

3. “Make known your partner’s accomplishments.” This can go hand in hand with the action step they mentioned second. Instead of saying my kids are all above average, be specific. Saying “I’m so proud of my son for earning his brown belt in karate” is more specific.

I think becoming a family publicist only strengthens the entire family as it deepens relationships. If the rest of your family finds out your practice, Great! It can become part of your family culture. If they never find out what you are doing, Great! (which I think is highly unlikely over time) Your family relationships will get better just because you are looking more favorably upon them. They are bound to notice this too over time as well.

Our families are worth the work. I think it’s time to take on another job as the family publicist.

 

Roll Tide! You’re What?!

Someone reminded me this morning that football season is coming up soon, and, thanks to a series of events, football season also brings back the memories of something that happened about 2 and a half years ago duing the 2008-2009 season.

It was the morning of the Alabama – Auburn game in November, 2008. Ordinarily in the state of Alabama you would would know that this day is one filled with excitement and anticipation. Anything ominious this day you would assume would be about the game.

The signs that today would be different, for us, started well before the game though. My wife and I decided to take the boys, then 3 and 1, to Waffle House for breakfast. It’s one of our guilty pleasures. (Don’t judge us!) We were sitting at the bar, when our 3 year old announced to the entire restaurant that we were having a baby. Quickly, he was told to quiet down, because this wasn’t true… that we knew of.

That afternoon, as the game began, I sat down with my chips and rotel cheese dip while my wife, upstairs, had a funny feeling about this mornings events. She took THE TEST… she took it again. The results didn’t lie. Obviously she was in a state of shock. As of yet, I still didn’t know.

At half time, Alabama was winning, so she knew I would be in a good mood. Down the stairs she came, and said she had a surprise. The news she shared would change our lives forever (again).

So on that day, not only did I get shout a ROLL TIDE! I also found out we were going to have another child.

Two wins! Only mine was better!

What was your experience like?

 

Blog Cobbler: When Dessert Inspires Life

My wife doesn’t read my blog. Actually, now that I think about it, I am not even sure (as of this writing) that she even knows the web address. She does know I am writing one. She just hasn’t gotten to it yet. That might bother a few people, but it doesn’t really bother me. I don’t even get envious when she reads other blogs and tells me about them. Last night, I was actually grateful!

For some time now, she has been an avid fan of The Pioneer Woman which is authored by Ree Drummond for quite some time. She is a subscriber, often sends me links, and got her cookbook, The Pioneer Woman Cooks, last month. The excitement she has for this has actually run over to me a little as well as I have found myself spending a good bit of time there myself.  (She and I were both excited to find out that she will be soon bringing the Pioneer Woman to the Food Network!)

My Wife's "Pioneer Woman" Blueberry Cobbler

To get back on topic, I said earlier how grateful I was that my wife had been reading her blog (instead of mine). She made the most delicious blueberry cobbler for dessert.

So, is this post just about cobbler? Of course not, it’s to brag that I had some and you didn’t! No, it’s not that either. As I thought about this, I realized that the reason The Pioneer Woman is so incredibly successful is because her content and the way she relates to her readers is absolutely delicious. She has something to offer, something that is satisfying, informative, stimulating, and appetizing.

As a blogger, I have those same goals for my blog, but as blogger having the kind of success that Ree has had isn’t my blogging goal. I would be willing to bet it wasn’t her goal either when she began blogging. She just wanted to write about things that were important to her.

As a parent, how does this apply to me? After devouring the entire cobbler and talking about how scrumptious it was, my wife made the comment how easy it was to make. I looked up the recipe and saw that it did seem simple. It had only five ingredients and seemed fairly easy to make.

So often in parenting or even in marriage, we think we have to be perfect and we end up making the final destination inadvertently unattainable. Something I learned from reading her blog was that what she offered in the recipe was a simple process. The end was where the prize is. Being a great parent, a great spouse, isn’t about being the best dad or best husband. It’s about the process. It’s about taking the steps, one at a time, intentionally working toward the final goal. I know that I will never “arrive,” but I know that I can steps, one at a time, to work toward becoming a better dad and better husband. This is what I want to do.

 

I Want to Wrestle

This piece was also submitted as part of the Write On Project: Love

image from http://hulkhogan.com/

My second son came downstairs tonight and said, “Dad, will you wrestle?” I said, “Are you sure?” He quickly replied, “I want to wrestle!”

I immediately grabbed him to begin the match and told me I was in the wrong room so I had to go upstairs to the living room and sit on the floor. Quickly, he let me know that wrestling to him meant me on the floor, him climbing up on the sofa, and me being jumped on. As we rolled around yelling like beasts the other kids joined in, even his soon-to-be two-year old sister. Each one wanted their turn in the full embrace of dad being tickled and pinned on the floor or in my arms.

I loved every minute of it!

As I thought more about it later that evening, he wasn’t telling me as much how he wanted to wrestle with me as much he was telling me how he wanted me to love him.

I firmly believe that the way our children interact with us is also the way they want us to love them. During our wrestling match, he wanted me to love him with physical touch. He wanted me to grab him, hold him, and squeeze him. The fact that I did that with him let him know that I love him.

This reminds me that I need to pay close attention to them and the way they interact with me. If they give me words of affection, I need to return words. If they come and just sit with me and want to watch a video or play a game, then I need to give them that time. When I respond to them, the way they interact with me it shows them love.

Do you have any clues you look for with your kids?

 

But Why?

The other afternoon my wife made chocolate chip cookies. (and for this I’m always grateful, but that’s not the point) When our second child came downstairs she offered him one, and his response was, “But why?”

For the next few minutes she went on to try to explain to him why she wanted to give him one…

1. She loves him.
2. She just wanted to.
3. She loves his sweet hugs and kisses.

All of these are valid reasons, but he just didn’t understand why. After going through these reasons several times, he did eventually eat it… He is my child! (Of course I wouldn’t have asked why… I would have dug right in.)

This brought about a conversation which led me to asking myself several questions about our parenting style.

1. Do we need to do a better job of explaining ourselves when we do give gifts?
2. If our kids don’t know why we want to give them gifts, are we not giving them enough of them?
3. Do we tell them we love them enough?
4. When we tell them that we love them should we also tell them why?

We didn’t really come to a final answer about what to do, but it still got me thinking about myself as a dad. One of the things I told myself when we had kids was that every single day they would all hear me to tell them I love them and they would get a hug and a kiss, and I have to admit that while I don’t do an excellent job of this, I do a decent job of this. I am also not one of those that thinks that giving gifts is the best way to let your kids know you love them because I don’t feel like love can be bought. His question, however, brought me to what I think we need to try.

“But why?”

I think we need to tell him why. We probably need to tell all of them why more often. Not in a way where they think they have to earn our love or in giving false praise, but by being real and meaningful letting them know why we truly love them.

What would you do? How would you handle this situation?

 

Because I Love My Wife

I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t going to improve my reputation as a romantic, but maybe it will at least prove I listen… sometimes.

Over the past month or so my wife has really gotten into the coupon craze. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for it. I have noticed the past few weeks her insistence in having to get a Sunday paper because of all the coupons in it. We didn’t have a subscription, but, to prove I listen…

WE DO NOW!!! Today, I ordered her a 26 week subscription to the Sunday edition of the Birmingham News. I know any moms out there are swooning now wishing their husbands would do this for them too, but don’t think too much of me yet. It was a deal, much cheaper than her going out every Sunday to buy one, and will save her the time spent driving to the store each weekend. I figured I was supporting her in two ways.

1. I was getting her a Sunday paper so she could get coupons!
2. I was using a special deal to get it on special!

See, we men do listen sometimes.She won’t get the first one until July 10 so it will be a surprise then and I know writing about it here won’t blow the surprise because she doesn’t read any of my blogs. Sometimes men have trouble sharing our feelings. Hopefully she will see not just my cheapness in this, but she will also see that she has a husband that loves her enough to listen… sometimes.

Here’s a question for thought though… What else will I (or you) do to show your wife you love her enough to listen?